A Memory and a Scar
by Lilypad18
Summary: After fighting Rey, Kylo Ren finds himself remembering more of his life before turning to the Dark Side.
1. Chapter 1

His dream started the same: darkness before the sound of muffled cheering pounded incessantly in his ears. His breathing came slow, but his heart moved in his chest like a rabid animal. His eyes finally opened—his vison blurry at first until they focused. He saw the wide eyes of a young Padawan boy staring back at him, the glow of their lightsabers in his peripheral vison. The electric hum of his own weapon melted into the sounds of the background.

Usually, when sparring, Master Luke wouldn't let them use real lightsabers, but Master Luke was away and Ben let his passionate anger get the best of him. Being triggered by the support of the other Padawans, his opponent smirked and swung his lightsaber, aiming for Ben's left shoulder. Ben easily blocked it with his own, the lightsabers screeching and sparking when they met. The Padawan raised his lightsaber high and brought it down on Ben, but once again, he blocked it. Although the Padawan was older, Ben knew when and how he was going to strike. To Ben's surprise, the Padawan pulled away and started to walk around Ben in a circle, his saber loosely by his side. The Padawan watched him and Ben watched him too, clutching the lightsaber tightly, ready to strike at any moment.

"I don't understand why you're here, Solo." The Padawan spit. He looked around at the circle of Padawans for support. "You can't even hold your own ground let alone become a Jedi. You should pack up and go. No one wants you here . . . not even your parents wanted you."

Ben froze after he heard the latter part of the sentence, those bitterly hurtful words replaying in his mind. Over the years, the Padawans had found many ways to make fun of him—his gangly limbs, his protruding ears, his awkward personality. Hell, this whole fight had begun because this Padawan boy started to make fun his features. But this was a new low. Master Snoke had warned him of Jedi like this and thankfully, he had told Ben how to get rid of Jedi like that.

Looking up from the stone ground, Ben grimaced and narrowed his eyes at the Padawan boy. He raised his hand and aimed it at the boy's neck, allowing genuine anger and hatred to run through his veins like fuel. He imagined the boy's windpipes closing, his lungs failing to get oxygen, and eventually him passing out or dying. The boy's eyes widened and he dropped his lightsaber, desperately clutching at his throat to get air. Ben liked watching him squirm underneath his power—Master Snoke had also told him that the Dark Side was the only side of the Force that could give him that sort of power. The other Padawans gasped and began to walk towards them both, but they stopped when Ben flashed them a dangerous glance.

Becoming tired himself, he used the last of his energy to throw the boy against the wall. His head hit the stone with a crack before he fell to the floor, his skin pale and his limbs weak. _Good,_ Ben thought. _That's how he should be. No one deserves to be talked to like that._ Ben threw the lightsaber to the ground and it automatically shut off. He looked at the shocked faces from the numerous Padawans and he knew he had left an impression on them. Ben watched as three Padawans walked over to the boy, picking him up and carrying him to the medical room while others discussed in hushed whispers, already conjuring up new ways to mock him. Ben knew Master Luke would hear about this once he got back, but for once, he didn't care. He didn't care what anyone thought about him anymore. He was under new tutelage and nothing could stop him.

Ben turned on his heel and walked out of the room, but he stopped in the doorway when he saw Rey peeking out from behind the wall. Her small, hazel eyes were wide with judgement, but also curiosity. She looked Ben up and down, tilting her head to the side with her lips pursed. For being six years old, she was already so adept in observing and evaluating situations like these. Ben let out a sigh and bent down to her, his hands on his knees. She had seen everything.

"Rey," he said slowly, "I know what happened back there looked back, but—"

"They were making fun of you again." Rey said pointedly. She pulled away from the wall and stood directly in front of him, playing with her fingers on her small hands.

"Yes, they were making fun of me. Again."

"What was it about this time? Ears or legs?" Rey tilted her head, an innocent smile starting to spread on her lips.

Ben felt himself smile slightly. "Something new, unfortunately. My face and my family."

"Who needs them? They're . . . _scum._ " Rey said and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You shouldn't say things like that, Rey." Ben scolded her after he chuckled. Even though she was the youngest Padawan there and she was just starting her training, Rey managed to pick things up quickly, especially expletives from the older Padawans. Ben tried to protect her from their explicit nature, but occasionally, she would hear some words or phrases and would, unfortunately, add them to her growing vocabulary. Ben didn't want her to grow up too fast—he knew it didn't get any easier.

"Ben," Rey said and pulled at his sleeve, yanking him from his thoughts. "Could we go play outside for a bit? I'm bored."

"You're always bored when you're not training or playing."

Rey giggled and shrugged before she grabbed his hand. "Come on, Ben! I wanna see the sunset." Her hand was incredibly small in his, but her grip was powerful. If she continued to train with Master Luke, he would have a worthy opponent one day.

Rey dragged Ben outside and down the stairs to the grass where they played pilots while the sun went down—Rey pretending to be the pilot as she sat on Ben's shoulders. Ben held onto her knees as he ran around, making all kinds of different noises. Their laughter turned watery until it was a faint echo and the vision in his dream went black again, void of any light, sound, or emotion.

Kylo Ren sat up in his bed, his dark hair stuck to his forehead and the back of his neck with sweat. He stared ahead of him and out of the window, trying to count the stars in the pitch black sky as he caught his breath. Ever since he fought Rey, all of these snippets of memories came back to him in dreams, which were much more haunting because they seemed real. When he started to train with Snoke, he had taken those memories and put them as far back into his mind as he possibly could. He was successful for a while until he saw her again—it was as if she were the key to unlocking a part of his life he had almost forgotten. He wasn't sure yet if it was a gift or a curse.

Kylo threw the sheets off of his body and walked over to the window, crossing his arms over his chest. Once he turned to the Dark Side, he never looked back, even if he occasionally felt the Light calling to him. He knew it was the right decision for him, no matter what his family said.

He saw his reflection in the window and grimaced at his new scar, his bare fingers running over the pink, supple skin that stood out against the ivory pallor of his face. _Maybe if I had this scar when I was younger, the other Padawans wouldn't have picked on me. Maybe I wouldn't have become this way . . ._

 _Maybe . . ._

Kylo's hand fell from his face and to his side. Unlike his dreams, the scar on his face represented a tangible, physical memory that he had created with Rey. At first, he was angry that he had been weak enough to let her do this to him. But then he realized he could use it as motivation. Even without Luke's training, Rey had become a worthy opponent—she was brimming with potential and power.

And Kylo would make sure that they would be together to complete their training.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey tossed and turned in her bed, beads of sweat dotting her forehead. Ever since she had fought Kylo in the snowy forest, she could never get good sleep. She was always groggy in the morning and wide awake at night. When she thought about it, she slept more peacefully in her home in Jakku. Rey was happy to have found a family in Finn, Poe, Leia, and Han, but she sometimes longed for the comfort, familiarity, and routine of her old life. She was thrown into her new life so rapidly that she didn't have any time to say goodbye to her old one. She still had numerous questions that were unanswered, but she figured that if she was patient enough, the answers would come to her one way or another.

Her new life was too important and busy for goodbyes anyway.

Rey rolled onto her side to look out of her small window. It was almost morning, the creamy colors of the sunrise almost touching the planet. She let out a soft groan, burying her face in her pillow.

Kylo's face and his words haunted her dreams nearly every night now. He had made promises to her that touched her deepest desires, but the stronger part of her knew they were lies. He said he could show her the Force, which meant he would be her teacher. She rejected it initially on the spot, but why did she feel like that wasn't such a foreign thought?

When Kylo took off his helmet for the first time, she recognized him, but where from? It was times like these where she felt most vulnerable and she wanted to demand answers to these questions. She still didn't know who or where her family was . . . she was missing a vital part of who she was. The least she could know was why she felt like she had known the boy behind the mask for nearly her entire life.

Rey turned onto her other side, her cheek hot against the cool pillow. She was tired of thinking . . . no. She was tired of questioning everything. Yawning, her eyes drooped shut and she let her mind travel off to Jakku. But it didn't stay there for too long.

Rey padded nervously outside of Ben's room, her hands behind her back. It was late-way past her bedtime-but she snuck out of her room. She had to see Ben or she wouldn't be able to sleep if she didn't know he was okay. She didn't even know if he was still there.

She had overheard from some of the other Padawans that he hadn't been showing up to training and that he had been keeping to himself a lot more. Throughout the week, Rey had been dying to catch his attention to raise rocks with their minds or to play out on the grass with him. Every time she approached him, he would tell her that they would play another day. Rey was disappointed, but she wouldn't give up.

She took in a small gasp of surprise when the door opened, revealing Ben in the doorway. He had grown some more, his limbs not as gangly and awkward. His hair was long to cover up his ears and his wide forehead. The haircut suited him and she knew it gave him some relief from the relentless taunting. Rey had grown herself, but she would never be as tall as him. He towered over the rest of the Padawans, but she could tell he liked it. His height physically gave him more power over the others.

"Rey," Ben breathed, his eyes wide with surprise as well. He nervously looked into his room and reached to close the door, but Rey was quicker than him.

Peeking inside, she saw a couple of figures, but they all wore masks she had never seen before. They looked menacing to the young girl, but she knew that that was the point. They all had lightsabers by their sides and they stood in an uneven circle. Rey could tell they were talking, but their words were indistinct. She could also tell something was up and that it wasn't good.

Ben knelt down, placing his hand on her arm. "You shouldn't be here right now. It's late and not a good time. You could get hurt."

Rey nodded her head obediently, her gaze shyly meeting his. His skin was pale and he had dark circles under his eyes, making it look like he hadn't slept in a long time. Rey was immediately concerned.

"So you could you." Rey responded and she rested her hand on his cheek.

Ben let out a long sigh and pushed his cheek into her touch, his eyes flickering closed. He didn't know how she could say simple yet sage phrases like that to him at such a young age. For some reason, the way Rey treated him reminded him of his mother, which made him feel ashamed.

Her statement was moot because he already had been hurt-deeply. Rey could feel he was in so much pain. Something had happened to him that Rey was unaware of and she knew she couldn't do anything about it. Games and small training sessions with him would no longer help. To Rey's disappointment, those days were over.

Ben's eyes opened again and he removed his hand from her cheek, holding it in his big hands. Blue veins spread out underneath his skin like the small rivers on the planet.

"Rey, you have to promise me something."

"What? What is it?" She furrowed her eyebrows, taking a step closer towards him like she usually would when he had a secret.

"In a couple of hours, I'm going to do something dangerous, but you have to promise me that you'll hide and don't come out until I'm gone."

The first emotion Rey felt was anger. Master Luke taught her that those types of emotions led to the Dark Side of the Force, but she didn't care. Not right now. Not only was her best friend going to put himself in danger, but he was going to leave her as well? He was so selfish, so careless! How could he do this to her?

She paused as she thought about it some more. _No_ , Rey thought, _he was being careful_. At least with her. His warning was cryptic and she didn't know if she should tell Master Luke about it. She didn't want Ben to get into trouble, though.

Rey nodded her head slowly, trying to fight off the tears she could feel forming in her eyes. Jedi don't cry . . . or maybe only Padawans were allowed to?

"Ben, you have to promise me something." She placed her hands on his shoulders.

"Anything, Rey." She tried to swallow down the tightness she felt in her throat from fighting off the tears. Maybe Master Luke's lessons were working. She couldn't believe she was losing the only friend she had. She secretly hoped he thought the same.

"Don't get hurt, okay?" Rey's eyebrows rose with her question. Ben let out a rare chuckle and she nodded his head once.

"I promise I won't get hurt." His chuckle managed to make her feel slightly better, but she knew that feeling wouldn't last long. Taking a chance, Rey reached out and pulled him into a tight hug. Her lips formed a small smile when she felt his arms wrap around her back.

That was better than any promise he could make.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey found herself gazing at her reflection on the surface of the deep, azure waters that surrounded her. Because it had been a stormy day, the absence of the natural light allowed herself to see her reflection in the first place. Her hair, styled in her usual three buns down the back of her head, was messy from her constant training. Baby hairs sprouted everywhere, and she figured the humidity of this new planet wasn't helping either. That was one thing she was grateful about Jakku-it was a _dry_ heat.

Vanity aside, what worried her the most was the dark circles underneath her eyes. She touched them gently with the pads of her fingertips as if they would darken with contact. She hadn't been sleeping well since having constant dreams of her time spent with Kylo. Ever since she had that first dream, new memories appeared from nowhere nearly every night. They were like pieces to a giant puzzle of her early life, but she still had no idea how they connected with each other. She had enough faith in herself that she would eventually put them all together, but as for right now, she promised herself she would put her time and energy into training. Her training was something that had to come first. She may have had history with Kylo (Ben?), but she would make sure she was the author of her future.

The dreams were so powerful and vivid, however, that once she woke up, she had a tough time falling back asleep. She usually turned to training to pass the time until morning, wondering why these memories only came to her while she slept. She supposed they did because when she was asleep, she was vulnerable. Weightless, with all her mental guards down. She was susceptible and exposed to the entire spectrum of sentiments she felt when she was younger. The forgotten or old emotions she experienced hurt the most-so much so that the pain fell into her bones.

She assumed these memories were coming back to her after she broke through the mental dam that had been placed there originally. She also assumed it was put there by Kylo, but she didn't know yet. It could've been anyone at this point, but she could feel his energy through the memories. It was as if he left his thumbprint on her memories . . . a trademark of his doing. Or perhaps, Rey mused, the energy was like the vibrant color of his lightsaber-intimidating, but ultimately unstable.

Unsure.

Rey turned her eyes up to the sky, noticing how thick and pregnant the clouds were with rain. It looked like it was about to storm, but that's how it looked nearly all the time. She knew Master Luke would make her train in the violent weather anyway, but it was nothing like the snow she had dueled in months ago. She gripped her lightsaber tightly, which was sheathed and next to her on the ground. She was glad she was becoming more fluid with the weapon, but she had much more progress to make. Especially if she was going to fight Kylo again.

On the snowy planet, she discovered that although he was a fierce, experienced opponent, he often second guessed himself. Rey noticed that he had an odd sense of loyalty to Snoke-he was like a father figure to the knight. This thought caused a smaller memory to flash through her mind and it was the one where Ben opened up to her one day unexpectedly. Rey was still on the younger side, so she remembered the feeling of not completely understanding what he was saying to her. Ben explained that he didn't feel loved by his parents, that he felt abandoned. He briefly mentioned he had a new paternal figure in his life, but he didn't drop any names.

Rey still didn't understand how he could feel this way towards Leia and Han. She had met them and they were wonderful people. She was sure they had some flaws-no one could escape that-but, they both had big hearts. They were two people who had treated her with such kindness. Where was this negative attitude of his coming from?

Her opinion of him was complicated now more than ever. If she translated her emotions from her dreams correctly, she had cared for him once.

 _Maybe she still did?_

They were friends, companions-they searched for solace in one another during the varying challenging times they went through. They spent time with each other, even shared secrets. They decided to forget about the world around them and focus on each other. Except for dealing with people back on Jakku, she had never had that type of relationship with anyone before. After those years of her life, she had been alone. Completely alone. Why did she deserve that kind of punishment?

Lips falling into a deep grimace, Rey gripped her lightsaber even tighter. Why would he take those normal, humanistic memories away from her? What made him think he _could_? He had no right, none whatsoever. This dangerous emotion caused some pebbles by the water rise in the air. The movement made Rey look over at them and upon her realization that she was the one doing it, they dropped back to the earth. Master Luke always said rage was too powerful of emotion for anyone. And now she understood. It was like eating a succulent desert-delectable in the moment, but unhealthy for you in the end.

She also understood why Kylo used this emotion and connected with it all too easily. In a way, he had had his life stolen away from him. And besides, after she calmed down, she realized he most likely took her memories away to protect her. She was sure he didn't want to, but it was his only option.

She suddenly wondered what he was doing now. Was he training? Had she really hurt him? Was his scar deep? She blinked, her eyes widening slightly. Was he . . . dead? Had she killed him? _No,_ she thought, _certainly you would feel that through the Force._

That thought caused her heart to jump inside of her chest. She had a connection with him that was transcendent of time, and since the memories had been coming back to her, it was growing stronger and stronger. She would never admit this to anyone, but she swore she could hear him in her thoughts. It especially happened when she trained with Master Luke. If she kept her side open or her lunges were clumsy, she would hear whispery words of advice. It distracted her for a couple of seconds, but helped her improve. She was confused, but grateful because it reminded her of the times when they would train together.

Sometimes, as she would drift off to sleep, she could feel the emotions of his thoughts. They weren't happy, but like her, he occasionally had one pleasant dream. It was the one where they played games at sunset outside. He always felt carefree and she sadly discovered he would only smile and laugh during those times. They reminded him of the childhood he never had. _Why couldn't I have been there for him like he had been there for me? Maybe he would be different. Happier._

If she was lucky, she could feel where he was as well. She didn't like to go there, however, because it was a dark place and if she wasn't careful, the malicious energy would start to suffocate her or belabor her breathing. It felt as if she had been caught by someone and they were pushing her out. He was there, nevertheless, living somehow. _No, not living. Surviving,_ Rey corrected herself. No one could or should live like that.

Rey rose to her feet as the soft wind off of the water blew some small hairs into her eyes. She clipped her lightsaber at her side, feeling Master Luke call her back to her training. She didn't think her break would be filled with thoughts of Ben, but she knew she'd have to mull them over at some point. She looked out at the horizon, seeing some faint light of the sun breaking through the clouds. It made her think of what Master Luke always said to her: have hope in others and always try to search for the best in them.

For Rey, she didn't have to search too hard to find what she was looking for in Ben. It was there . . . it just needed some time.

And hope.


End file.
